girlabc

I find myself in a weird situation involving a lot of internal conflict.  There’s a heap of mind over matter, heart versus brain, feeling faced off against thinking—and I know I brought this foggy tug-of war upon myself.  I hesitate to say my mind played tricks on me, but I seriously wonder if I talked myself into believing something that’s unreal.

The weird situation I’m thinking about involves me and my regard for my former quasi-crush.  To hell with what anybody else says (which, by the way, is a solid vote for me to forget him and move on), and to hell with what he may say (which, if I recall, is that he likes me a lot but is being logical regarding the circumstances), and to hell with what I say (which, I am ashamed to admit, is that he’s a reason the universe has plunked me here).  None of that is as important at the moment as the other guy.

Yes, there is another guy.

I don’t really know what to say about him except that he’s a really nice guy—to everyone—and he’s considerate, particularly to me, and, well, what else?  I sensed his attraction pretty early on when we went out for dinner or coffee and dessert alone without the rest of the group—his suggestion—and based on the conversations we’ve had, I get the impression he’s trying to figure out how open I am to settling down, to marriage, and to long-term commitment.  I mean, he really doesn’t need to ask me more than once about my plans after this contract, and he really doesn’t have to inquire multiple times on various occasions about my interest in settling down and getting married, and he really doesn’t need to know about my hobbies and down-time interests and stuff like that.  He definitely doesn’t need to suggest traveling together and I don’t really know why he even cares to arrange his holiday plans with mine—same time frame, same destination even.  I mean, it’s all talk, but it’s talk that happens repeatedly that I get the impression he’s eyeing me in a way that’s more than just platonic.

(Okay, and at the insistence of a friend, I asked Tarot just to show her how it works and, boy oh boy, this guy definitely sees me as some sort of temptation: the Devil, to be precise, which isn’t exactly the right choice, tempting as it—or I, in this case—may be.)

Anyway, the point of this ramble is to say that under normal circumstances post-heartbreak and post-heartache, I’m usually pretty damn pleased to have a welcome distraction—some would call this distraction a rebound.  Now, I’m not saying that I bounce to another guy without thinking, but it is really helpful to have an option in order to expedite the healing process.  I was so desperate to forget about the engaged guy, for example, that I agreed to go on a blind date with some Russian-American guy in Korea simply to take my mind off of someone I liked very much but who wasn’t available.  But in this situation I find myself now?  I’m stubbornly attached to the one who’s unavailable: former quasi-crush.

Why is that?  Here, I have a very nice guy who is considerate of my preferences—green tea because I like it, even though he prefers black, for example—and who, much to my surprise, serves me food and who seems to have the same relationship objectives as I do… and yet, I’m not motivated to go out with him or to pursue more with him—even though it seems to me that he is motivated to go out with me and pursue more with me!  Isn’t that strange?  Instead of this very nice guy, I’m stuck on this other used-to-be-very-nice guy who can barely ask me, “How are you?” when we—correction, when I—greet him online.

What the fuck is the matter with me?

Why on earth would I be more attracted to this guy who’s not responding to my sweetness as he should be (so says a friend here) than to the guy who’s not only very nice to me but is expressing an interest in me?  I don’t understand, and this is the weirdness of the situation: that I don’t seize advantage of other opportunities, such as other men, to alleviate my hurt feelings.  In the past, I would not have ever hesitated to welcome a guy who could heal my bruised ego; and yes, that’s even if I were mostly using him to get myself over the hurt.  Poor Mr. Rebound’s at the wrong place and wrong time?  Not my problem—if anything, it’s because I’d be so banged up and hurt that I’d even get together with guys I’d otherwise not look twice at.

And again, this is the strange thing.  This other guy who’s very nice has more to offer than my former quasi-crush does.  I hate to get superficial like that, but it’s one way to compare and contrast objectively.  Other guy wins, hands down.  Even so, there’s something still unresolved between former quasi-crush and me that, I believe, is preventing me from moving forward.  I think.

See, this is where I think maybe I’ve fooled myself into believing something that’s not there (but I know that’s not right, either).  Maybe I’m just a masochist.  I really don’t know.  But I figure, if I was able to talk myself into this situation, then I better damn well be able to talk myself out of it.

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ABC Girl: A Bit Confused.

Questioning her identity, her origins, and her perception.

Too many thoughts offset by too much laziness to expend the wit to write well have led to yet another quickie.  Shall we?

1: Men Are Really, Really, Really Simple to Figure Out.

It’s the truth.  Men care about beauty.  Men care about food.  And men care about sex.  So, ladies—to attract a man, look pretty at all times, and make sure you remain pretty in face and figure for as long as possible.  My grandma never let my grandpa see her without make-up on.  Yeah, it’s shallow, but you know what?  It’s the way to go; my grandpa treasured her devotedly, and it’s probably not because she was the most devout of wives.  She is, however, phenomenal in the kitchen.  That leads to step two:  feed a man and he’s happy.  If you don’t know how to cook, that’s okay—you can learn or you can order in.  So long as there’s food, nobody’s complaining.  Last but not least?  Have sex.  Lots of it.  Enough said.

2: Selective Vision.

As I’ve written recently, I felt terribly let down by the former quasi-crush when he was in town.  What can I say but, “Meh”—life goes on.  What still bothers me the most, though, is that I’m usually and increasingly deft at interpreting people and their characteristics.  I’m very observant, perceptive, and sensitive, and those qualities about me tend to let me accurately qualify others.  In his case, I’m still thrown off by what was off.  Is he a nice guy as I had observed?  Yes.  Is he smart, considerate, and generous?  Yes, yes, and yes.  Is he also authoritative and selfish?  Yes to both.  Is he (or was he, as it may be post-visit) attracted to me as I had sensed?  Yes.  Despite what I had understood of him based on our initial interaction and continued correspondence, I had missed the immaturity and I had completely missed what I now know is his utter lack of faith and inclination to try before admitting failure.  Lack of faith in what, he had asked me, to which I can only elaborate as not believing in himself or me or him and me together or whatever.  You’ve got to believe to achieve, wouldn’t you say?  Anyway, the point of this blurb is to criticize my lack of vision or, perhaps, selective vision.  Maybe I only saw what I had wanted to see.  Maybe my blinders were on and I turned away from the negative qualities (but in my defense, I had seen from the get go he likes to take charge and give orders, and I had also noticed at the first meeting that he’s more selfish than I am).  But the extent of his selfishness may be something I filtered out, which suggests that when an individual has that loving feeling, she or he doesn’t see clearly.

3: Put On Hold.

I had been determined to wait for my former quasi-crush before moving on without him.  I was really concerned that I would leave before his arrival.  There was a local guy, there was a semi-local expat guy, and there was a fresh expat guy.  One wants to go to America ASAP.  One wants to enjoy his bachelorhood.  One appears to want a committed relationship.  They’re nice guys who, sure, I’d go out on a date with (I think I went out on two with two unintentionally), and I could feel the possibility of fun and games and maybe more—but I really wanted to experience what my then quasi-crush was all about relative to me.  So, I waited patiently and eagerly and got to feel the off-ness and disconnect and disappointment and hurt (I still don’t know why there was interference.  It’s not like it was impossible for us to enjoy each other’s company, but it’s like we were on different wavelengths, which was weird because I hadn’t ever felt that in person before—granted, he gives a very positive first impression— or via correspondence.  I fault him because he overrides his inner self with his external motivations.)  To get to the point, I had told myself that I’d wait to see him in the flesh and then make my next move contingent on our interaction.  Well, now I know the interaction, but still, I’m not entirely ready to let him go.  Why not?  I’ll tell you why not, which leads to the next blurb.

4. Tarot Update.

As you may recall, I had my first Tarot reading in June.  It had revealed information about my love life and I am certain that my former quasi-crush is my Two of Cups.  He’s my friend, he’s my companion, and he’s my soul mate.  It only it were so simple, but as I wrote above, there’s some sort of interference going on and, again, I attribute the abrasion to his energy.  Interestingly, the Three of Swords that appeared in June is connected to him, specifically to his opinion of our situation: he thinks of me and he thinks heartbreak, disappointment, and loss.  That is, he believes we would fail.  He is also clearly the one who caused the Five of Cups—that extreme disappointment and sorrow I’m healing from now—and it was my own stupidity and faith in him that led me to my Ten of Swords—again, more misfortune and hurt feelings.  He and I are connected, suffice to say, and I wonder if I will make like the Eight of Cups and leave him with his own Ten of Swords.  I asked Tarot if I should let him go, and it said no.  This may change, though, as people change.  I’m just afraid that by the time Death and The Tower hit him, his opportunity will be over and I’ll find my King of Swords elsewhere.  (The fellow expat who appears to be seeking a substantial relationship is a King of Swords, and he’s an option I could direct my energy toward.  At this moment, I’m simply stuck and not sure which way to go.  Interestingly, this situation reflects the information I was told from my palm reading one year ago.  Coincidence?  Absolutely not.)

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ABC Girl: A Bit Confused.

Questioning her identity, her origins, and her perspective.